Just Words

Writing all of this as it comes, so bare with me.

I know...I have not written too much here on my little corner of the web as of late. Truth be told...I HAVE been writing, a LOT as a matter of fact, just not about my current life events. I have dug into my past which is at times emotional and makes me want to turn inside myself and hide. I have a lot of fear about writing about my topic of choice as it has left a large mark on my soul and has impacted my life more than maybe I was ever aware of. I think I am mostly scared of exposing myself, but am getting over it slowly with some bumps along the way. I am currently taking a memoir class to help me through all of this in a very supportive and positive setting. There have been tears, anger, laughter, confusion and downright keep-me-up-at-night terror from the pressure I have put on myself and revisiting some parts of my life where I wasn't as strong as I am today. For those of you that know me pretty well, know that I have been working on this project for a looong time (way too long) so I decided to get some help and it is working. I don't think I could have worked this hard on it until now though to be honest. I am motivated, super excited and writing every day. I have gotten some constructive criticism that was needed and also have received validation that I have a story that needs to be told. I wasn't sure if I wanted people to know I was writing a memoir, it seems like you should have to experience something amazing to able to write a memoir or you need to be late in life and reflecting back on your many accomplishments - I don't know, I guess I didn't feel worthy, like I haven't done enough in my life yet and admittedly have let people in my life and their (not so supportive) opinions about memoirs get to me. Turns out, a memoir is about one part of your life and that is it. It is possible that one person, in their lifetime could have many full length memoirs in them just waiting to come out. I am also working on putting together a series personal essays, most of them already written and just need editing.

The fire is burning bright in this writers heart. Funny, I never liked to say I was a writer before - it seemed pretentious and seemed to hold something I have yet to prove, but I don't.  I believe you become what you say you are and I am a writer in my heart.  I don't care what others think any longer which has been very liberating. When I read my work in class, I am so nervous but I make myself read each week; my voice trembles as if it is outside of my body, my throat feels like leather and I can't get enough air but I have to do this, I know I have to. Writing is my therapy, my friend, my go-to outlet for everything that effects me and I know with some help, I can be good at it.

That is what I have been wanting to say for sometime, but have been getting a little too introspective, in my head, and wordy and maybe the above paragraphs are that way, but it is what is on my mind at this moment and like a photograph, I needed to capture it.

I probably won't be sharing too much of my story here and have a very limited group I am sharing with as it is scary and I am very protective of pieces of me that are bruised and when pressed...there is pain. I put on a tough exterior, I know, it is called adapting, but I am slowing turning soft as I uproot pieces of myself that have been buried under a thick skin for a very long time.

Thank you for reading.